Atlantic: Beware Ukrainian Dolphin Attack Squad!

2013 03 12 Killer Dolphins

The headline sounds like it’s from the Onion, but it’s actually from the Atlantic. Citing a radio show called The Dolphin Pod the article explains:

After rebooting the Soviet Union’s marine mammal program just last year with the goal of teaching dolphins to find underwater mines and kill enemy divers, three of the Ukrainian military’s new recruits have gone AWOL. Apparently they swam away from their trainers this morning ostensibly in search of a “mate” out in open waters. It might not be such a big deal except that these dolphins have been trained to “attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads.” So if you are planning a family holiday to the Black Sea this week, I think it’s best you avoid any “friendly” dolphins that might approach – especially if they have KNIVES or PISTOLS strapped to their heads.

So, yeah. This really happened. It’s part of real-life now.

Incidentally, this is the second-best real-news story of militarized animals after the Beast of Basra. In that story, Iraqis claimed that giant, man-eating badgers had been released by the British Army near Basra. The rumors prompted UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer to issue an official response including (and this is a real quote): “We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.” That quote comes via the BBC, which cited experts who believed that the nightmarish creatures were probably native honey badgers. (Honey badgers are their own Internet meme, in case you didn’t know. The linked video includes lots of swearing.)

2013 03 12 Honey_badger